Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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