Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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