i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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