Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
