DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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