Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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