so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
