We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
