I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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