whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
