I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
