Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
