Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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