I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
