Jerry, you need to find god
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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