Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
