I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
