I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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