so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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