I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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