I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
