just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
