just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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