Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
