The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
