When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
BRING THE BAGELS
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
