it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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