Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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