I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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