the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
