Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
