Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house