I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
