Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
