I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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