Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
