Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My breasts were aching with rage.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
