you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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