I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
