i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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