so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
