I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
