when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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