Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
