am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
