I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
