be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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