My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
