There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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