You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
