you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
