We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
