eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
