I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
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She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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