She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
don't judge my taste in strippers
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
