apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
