Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
