Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
