I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
