I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
