i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She's the barista slut.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
God, I missed his penis.
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