You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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